=C

I am very upset right now. If you can't stand emo post, you can stop reading from here.

Anyway, my first semester grade was fucked up. And I seldom use the word "fuck" and that's how bad it is. I was feeling down right depressed after I compared with my friends. (Sociology: reference group theory explains that people don't actually feel contented with what they have in absolute terms but rather they would be happier if they have more IN COMPARISON to their friends. For someone with perhaps zero ambition, I never felt upset before even if I failed all my subjects. I only felt upset if all my friends got A and I got F. It is the sense of inferiority that upsets me more than the absolute grade.) I told myself I have to work much harder for my second semester but our group just screwed up our last presentation. Maybe I am overreacting because it is a mod I can S/U and presentation only consist on 25%. But the feeling of "I never do my best is really shitty." It was like Sec 1, like JC1, like my first sememster in uni. Apparently, I am a very slow adapter. (My excuse for lousy grades everytime.) Don't ask me what happened. I don't like the blame game when it's over. My only regret is I didn't insist on the preparation that I should have and I know I need it. We reharsed so many times for PW to reach a satisfactory standard. I should have done it again too.

I really feel very lousy right now. Accompishied nothing in life. I seemed to have no positive quality except "乖". And is that even positive these days anyway? Anyone can be 乖 if they want to. The only thing you need is to like conventional. I rather be smart, witty, fast, quick... and many other "active" characters.

Btw, when I said I really want a boyfriend, I don't really mean it. What I want is someone to marry. I am not interested in a relationship. I don't like wasting my energy in something I see no end. Yes, I am very lonely but I know I would feel worse if I start dating the wrong guy.